Awkward or not...

What is one thing that no woman looks forward to?  A physical.  (this is strictly my opinion but I doubt many are giddy going in...)

But ladies - it has to be done.

Many of us are not fortunate enough to have a solid family doctor - let alone a female one.  So I seriously think that many women just avoid getting a physical done for this reason alone.  Being blessed with children does somewhat take away your issues with people being 'down there' for the sole reason that for the duration of your pregnancy someone may have always been probing around down there and if you delivered naturally - there was a room full of people you don't know gawking at you down there.  It desensitizes you.

Maybe it is the first one that scares people.  I remember my first one.  After that - as much as I may cringed going in - I never felt the same after it was over.  Approaching a doctor, male or female, about a physical is a necessary part of being aware of your health.  And having had both male and female docs do this for me - I can't say I would prefer one or the other.

Here are some insights I want to share with you that considers the lighter side of this very awkward thing we all should do...

1)  I find male docs to be all about business.  I would assume this is just about as uncomfortable for them as it is for you.  Female docs just love to chat.  Me - I'd take a male doc any day who is in (literally) and out as quickly as possible and who keeps chatting to an uncomfortable minimum.  My last female doc had a student, and a camera, and a lot to show-and-tell.....as neat as it was to see my cervix on a video screen and have everyone analyze it - I would have just rather got it over with.

2)  Joke.  My goodness just joke about it.  No one likes them.  Everyone including the doc and the nurses would rather make a few comedic comments about everything awkward that is going on than to sit there in silence.  For example:  My male doc was apologizing for his cold hands and the fact that he was at the time having his fingers in my armpit for a portion of the breast exam..."sorry this must be awkward with my finger there"....I in turn replied as a matter of fact - "This is the least awkward part about this whole thing!".  I swear I saw his shoulders drop 2 inches in relief!

3)  It's business.  It's for your health.  Just get over your fears already!  As if this is the first vagina that these people have seen!  You may fear them talking about you when you leave...my guess is they might if something really strange is found beneath your panties....but seriously I'm rather confident they won't point and laugh at you on the street.

4)  Make your health your priority.  Wouldn't you rather know that you were diligent about checking for things like cervical cancer and breast cancer than to wait until it is too late.  Take your health into your own hands (and the hands of your doc)!

5)  If you are really that uncomfortable or scared...take a friend or request a nurse to be in the room.  I think for my first one ever in university - I had a friend outside the room.  And I did the same for her.  Safety just knowing she is out there.  Take your mom, take your sister, take a friend...hell even take your husband!  (I still consider this to be awkward!)  Regardless - if this is your main fear - going alone - then don't.

6)  Talk about it.  Women don't talk enough about things like this.  Talk about it openly, honestly, and truthfully.  Joke about it.  Cry about it.  Just talk about it already!  We should not be ashamed of having a physical done to ensure we are healthy!

Awkward or not...just do it.  I did - and the whole room watched (damn teaching hospitals!).  That was for the pap.  Then the rest of the physical - head-to-toe and breast exam were done by my new family doctor (young, tall, dark, and handsome man that he is).  It was awkward but professional.  And focused on me and my health and where we are going to go next with monitoring things.  Even the breast exam - cold hands aside - was professional.  And I won't lie - its fun to joke about it after the fact with good friends and my husband about the hot doc that did my breast exam - but in reality - it was the most professional appointment I have had in a long time.  I finally feel like someone is listening to me, is monitoring my health, and is able to have realistic conversations with me that also include some lighthearted awkward jokes.

Ladies - just do it.  And if you ever need someone to hold your hand - I would gladly do that for you!  I strongly believe that we all need to take matters into our own hands, have respect for the professionalism of your doctor, and be diligent about monitoring your health!  In the end you may actually find it wasn't as bad as your fears allowed you to believe.

R

Sticking with the plan!

At first I was super excited about a new training plan.  I modified my schedule, I have consciously eaten better, and I got my ass back to the gym with the best of intentions...

But what I didn't prepare for was all the garbage in my brain and all my petty insecurities that would almost sabotage my plan...almost. 

Petty Insecurities:

Can I Please Stick My Ass In Your Face?

Doing things like Hanging Knees-to-Elbows in a busy gym requires space.  And at peak times there is no privacy at all considering the only chin-up bar is smack dab in the middle of the busy cable rack.  So the unavoidable fact that if I want to do this exercise I will have to stick my ass in someone's face can be quite a big deterrent to sticking to the plan.  And just like that I chose to substitute that particular exercise for something else I considered to be very similar.  (At least I didn't skip it all together right?)  Plus - I don't want to be the one to fart and someone hear either! :)

Don't Want to Look Like A Sissy

Dips & Pull-ups - I'm a sissy when it comes to these.  I have high hopes Ill get better but until then...my feeble attempts at them leave me more embarrassed than proud of the meager accomplishment I  might have achieved that day. So what is the best way to avoid looking like a sissy?  Substitute for something I know is similar but that I can at least complete.  

This Looks Kinda Kinky

Foam Rollers - or in my case a Medicine Ball - are great tools to help massage your muscles before and after a workout so I am told.  So its a big part of my plan right now considering I'm very tense and not at all flexible.  I accept this. But I can only imagine what it looks like to a onlooker across the gym...me, wiggling around on a med ball with a rather distorted look on my face.  And then I turn around on it and you cant see my face...just my body gyrating over this ball.  Any gym-smart person would know what the hell is going on...but in a male dominated facility one can only imagine what comments could be passed around about the chick that spends more time on the med ball then the weights.  

I Never Even Sweat

For just under an hour and a half I am in the weight area.  Of that time close to (if not more than) 30minutes is spent stretching and rolling my body out with a foam roller (molesting).  So that least just shy of an hour for the weights.  With rest periods and water breaks and waiting on free equipment...this leads to a lot of standing around.  Not only do I not really sweat in this phase of the plan but I seriously wonder if anyone in there for the same time period of me criticizes my lack of activity.  All I wanted to do was add a few more sets or add abs or walk into the cardio studio...But I didn't!

The thing is - whatever one may be doing in the gym we all have a right to be there.  Why do I care so much about what others might think of me there when they don't even know me?  Its probably because I know how critical I am of others so therefore I can only assume I can be the blunt of criticism too. Perhaps I need to focus on some mental strategies and thoughts for when my mind begins to wander or jump to conclusions.

Insecurities aside...the plan is designed for a reason.  Period.  And my trainer went through time and effort to put that together, instruct me on it, and build it up for the next phase.  And to break away from that or to substitute anything on that would be disrespectful and distrusting of the process.  I will admit it is hard not to go outside of that plan but I can offer a few pieces of advice if you are going through the same thing:

1)  Talk to your trainer - let them know your challenges (one chin-up bar in a busy place/insecurities) and see if they can offer their own substitutions.  Or perhaps they will tell you why NOT to do substitutions.

2)  Ask your trainer - ask them lots of questions about WHY the plan is as it is right now, about WHY they designed it that way, and WHERE it will go from here.  Instead of disrespecting their efforts - find out what their intentions are with each phase.  

3)  Confide in your trainer - tell them what works and what doesn't, tell them what insecurities you have, laugh with them about your silly antics, and tell them how things make you feel.  They designed the program based on training science but it doesn't mean a little human compassion can't be worked in. 

4)  Commit  - You requested this plan for a reason.  You probably even set some goals.  So put some trust in the process, commit yourself to following it, and allow it to prove its effectiveness.  The plan can only be as good as the person executing it.  

So here I am - with only a few substitutions this week and having talked to my trainer about them and all my other insecurities - I will be back on plan for next week.  I do have to admit though - part of all of this is just going to have to come down to the good ol' "SUCK IT UP" advice.  Just do it.  

My plan was built around safety and flexibility development as well as strength building.  I don't know where we are going for phase 2 - but right now I am only in week 1!  I need to focus on doing the best that I can possibly do in this phase and accomplishing what my trainer hopes I will with the plan he gave me.  I need to deal with my insecurities on my own and build my confidence so that when I am at the gym I am there to work not mentally battle myself and cower.  

The best advice my trainer gave me when I informed him of my insecurities and of my modifications to my plan is this: 

" You are there to TRAIN.  Most are there to WORKOUT.  There is a big difference. "

Measurements

I just wanted to add here my current (well Jan 29/12) measurements.  I am curious to see how these will change as I progress through my program.  


Height: 5'3" 
Weight: 111.2 lbs 

Chest: 82.6 cm 

Upper arm: 23.5 cm
Thigh girth: 43cm

Calf girth: 29.5cm

Body Fat: 14.8%

The one thing that stands out for me - is that when I was given these measurements I was honestly in disbelief about my weight.  On my home scale it has never dropped below 112lbs.  And then to see my pictures from that day and be told I was at 111lbs at that moment - I thought for sure something was wrong with the scale (as if 1lb is so drastically different!).  Not because I thought it was too high but because I swear it's too low!  I have not worked out significantly since December 2 and given the holidays and how I had been eating up to that moment - I just figured I would be around the 115lbs.  

My brain does not associate the weight and body I see in those pictures to the number on the scale.  I know!  I know!  It is just a number but still it reflects a general description of your body.  One cannot expect that my weight will be much higher than that after weeks of strength training but the shape of it most definitely will change.  The one thing that will never change about me is my height and body frame.  

The one thing I can say is that this over exaggerated self-consciousness about our weight is classic for many women.  We put too much emphasis on the scale.  As a rule - I rarely step on the scale so as to stop myself from becoming obsessed with it.  I base my judgement on how my clothes fit and how I feel that day as opposed to a number.  I can see changes throughout the day with water retention or stress or foods I was eating.  I can see changes in a week just from diet alone or during 'that time of the month'.  But I have never actually put a picture beside a number.  

I personally don't feel too thin. I'm not concerned about my weight in the least but I am beginning to see the truth in the age old saying that "Muscle weighs more than fat"...and I am so determined to add muscle and reshape what I have.  I'm hoping that soon I will see some changes in those numbers for the better...but more so than the numbers themselves I hope to see the obvious changes to the physique.  

So for any one wanting to lose weight or who would think they would not complain if they had a body like mine is right now (Im not being presumptuous)  - think hard about how realistic your goals are.  We need to set attainable goals that are realistic and safe for our body and health.  It is easy for me to be as I am today because of what effort I do put forth (or lack thereof) and the fact that my frame is petite as it is.  I would hate for anyone to jump to conclusions that I have a distorted body image or unhealthy habits to remain slim.  If anything I am too self-conscious of what people think about my body and paranoid they would associate my size with an eating disorder of any sort.  (Read Portia de Rossi's "Unbearable Lightness" for an honest description of eating disorders)  Confidently I can say this is not the case, and my husband can affirm that as well, but nonetheless I hate to be misunderstood.  

So here is to seeing where these numbers will go and how they will correspond to the body image.  I never thought I would say with sincere honesty - "I'm excited to gain some weight!"

~R

Day 1 - February 12, 2012

The pursuit of change always has a starting point.  My pursuit is no different and this blog is my own way of keeping myself accountable.  It would seem fitting then to share a visual representation of my starting point.  But before I do, it is important for me to be share a few things:

October 2009 - looking back on pictures (to which there are very few) from this particular time in life it occurred to me that I had reached a very disappointing low.  I spent the entire summer eating fried food, drinking as if I was 19 again, and had not one care in the world about my health.  And it showed. 

(<---Summer 2009) 

(<---October 2009 - Thanksgiving.  Well the "pose" doesn't help here either! Eeek!)

April 2010 - I joined an outdoor bootcamp in Warman - hoping to get active again.  This was life-changing!  I met great women and found I really excelled (might have something to do with how competitive I am).  I really hadn't been active since highschool by this point, I had two very young children, and I was completely unaware of how unhealthy I was...Joining this bootcamp and becoming friends with Kelli (instructor) was what awakened me to doing better for myself and my health.

August 2011 - After a year of bootcamps and persuasion (Kelli and Bree) I got a gym membership.  Bootcamps were great - but it was time to try something new and I needed to build some muscle.  Some people said I was too thin and seeing some pictures now I can even say I somewhat agree now!  Kelli helped me with a strength training plan and I went off alone to the gym.  I missed bootcamp and my friends but I had committed myself to trying this.  I ate better, felt GREAT, and saw subtle changes (no pictures sorry).  Then December came - and all good intentions were put to waste with excuses and lack of motivation.

(^--- Summer 2011 In good "cardio" shape but very thin muscles)

January 2012 - Recognizing that whatever gains I had achieved at the gym were slowly fading away - I tried to re-evaluate my goals, intentions, and motivations.  A new plan began to take shape and I met my new Trainer.  I recognize that plans will always be implemented, changed, evolve, fall apart, and start anew.  So one thing I have never done is document anything...this is where I am at today.

These pictures with the pink top were taken Jan 29, 2012

I am not overly self-conscious of my body.  On average I weigh 112-115lbs (my heaviest post kids is 128lbs).  I am also not obsessed with that number (although like any woman I get a little anxious when it climbs).  Many have said things like "you are skinny enough" or "you don't need to lose weight" but what they don't understand is that it's not about that at all!.  

I just want to be more defined, more muscular, faster, stronger, and healthier.  Healthier is the key here.  And I'm only willing to get the other if I do it in a safe, health conscious, and wholesome way.

I want to CHANGE my weight.  I may even gain.  But what I want to achieve will require a diet that fuels my activity, builds lean muscle mass, reduces inflammation and changes how my body stores fat. 

 Tanning would sure help too! 

Trainer: "Let your arms hang straight"  Me:  "I am!"  Trainer: "OMG" and insert awkward chuckle here.  My posture is terrible!  I have known forever that I seriously lack flexibility - but to see it is eyeopening! Let's just say that there is strong stretching component to my new program!  

Stretching is the key to being able to perform and excel safely in my program.  If I can at the very least touch my toes or reach my arms straight above my head I will have improved immensely from where I start today!

When I look at these pictures all I can think about is how excited I am to redefine my musculature!  I want to see a stronger back and defined arms.  And more than anything I want to fix, add to, or change my tattoo!  To me that tattoo symbolizes a time in my life when I didn't care at all about my health...I want nothing more than to change it to make it represent me now and reflect the changes I want for myself.u

Cheesy transformation cliches aside - I honestly just want to see what I can push my body to do!  I want to see if I can adhere to a plan and see the results I am hoping for.  I want to redefine my body composition with hard work, healthy eating, and a new approach to wellness.  I've proven I can lose weight.  I've proven I can run 10km easily and quickly.  I've proven I can get to the gym 3-4 times a week. 

 Now I just want to see what else I can achieve and what it will lead to next.  

Taken Feb 12, 2012
I even notice a difference here from the pink ones
that is just from diet changes in the last 2 weeks.

I hope to keep a diary on here of my changes.  February 12, 2012 is Day 1.  I will check back in with progress and benchmarks as they are achieved.  I will also share things about my plan and diet as it is applicable.  

Why Cant You?

Picture this...

Me.  Standing on a 2 foot wide box under a chin-up bar with arms outstretched...just 5 feet shy of reaching it.  Well ok - that might be an exaggeration but exaggeration or not..."How the hell am I supposed to get up there?!"

"Jump." says my trainer / friend / colleague - with a sarcastic look that actually says "Isn't it obvious?" 

WHAT!  And make a complete and total fool of myself when I miss the bar and land on my ass against the wall? (note the gym is packed and they have been staring at us ever since we walked in)  No thanks.  "YA RIGHT!" I say (you could also insert a few vulgar phrases here)

"Why Can't You?" he asks.  Blunt. Eyebrow raised.

I'm not one to act too much like a sissy - especially when standing in front of someone who is otherwise looking at me like I am either a bigger sissy than he thought or that he was actually disappointed in my lack of confidence in myself - so I jumped!  

And believe it or not - I caught the bar and completed a few knees-to-chest before jumping down - looking less of a fool than if I would have had I refused to jump.

So the rest of the introductory session went much better (although I was still asked several times "why can't you").  I learnt a lot about my current physical condition - namely the dangerous lack of flexibility - and my capabilities and inabilities. After going through the rest of my plan for the next 3 weeks, thoroughly discussing my warnings and safety measures, and reviewing my stretching must-do's - I can honestly say I still quite unsure about what I am doing.  Not really in regards to the plan but just in regards to my confidence in my ability to do it right, to improve each week, and to stop using excuses.  

My lack of flexibility and poor range of motion - now so blatantly obvious to me - is almost scary. It makes me overly cautious.  BUT I have hopes that if I take a week to just practice the movements and get started with my stretching - that I can confidently put some weight on the bar and challenge myself as I know I can and is expected.  

So.....in the front of my notebook I have written...."Why can't you?"  and if I am lucky enough I may just snap a picture of that oh-so-obvious facial expression (which I have seen several times now) to enhance the impact of this phrase. 


Monday it is.  Week 1 - Day 1 of a whole new plan.  It will be 3 weeks before I will be able to feel anything other than muscle soreness again!  But with all intensive efforts here is hoping my arms will at least hang straight (just another of my oddities I've been told is a result of my inflexibility!)

And here's hoping that the next time I jump to reach the chin-up bar that I don't land on my face.  And here's hoping that as I try to improve my form that I don't look too much like a freak-show as I practice sticking my ass out to sit on a chair in front of the squat rack (I can just see the onlookers now!) And here's hoping that gym-users don't misinterpret my assault on the foam roller as anything other than my attempts at myofascial release!


Insecurities or not - I'm committed.  

Defining MY Diet

DIET - "the customary amount and kind of food and drink taken by a person from day to day; more narrowly, a diet planned to meet specific requirements of the individual, including or excluding certain foods"
 (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/diet)


From this point on - please do not be critical of my use of the word "diet" within my blog.  My DIET is exactly what the definition above is referring to.  I do not refer to it as a verb -  I am not "dieting".  I am not on a "diet".  Most people associate the word with an attempt to lose weight (usually extreme and short lived) - but I do not need to diet in that particular sense nor do I want to.  


My DIET is my WAY OF EATING.  It is what I consume each day.  Currently - I consider it to be mostly healthy but somewhat misguided...and even lacking in some areas.  For the most part I consume healthy fruits and vegetables (not all organic yet but that is the goal) and lean meats such as chicken and fish.  I try to be conscious of sugar content and I try to limit processed foods yet I have INSANE CRAVINGS.  I bake most of my own treats and try to substitute sugars for healthier alternatives such as honey, apple sauce or xylitol.  I have good food intentions BUT I will admit I have my weaknesses such as treats after a meal, binges on chocolate, not eating every few hours or enough some days, and eating the wrong foods at the wrong time.


I am currently in the process of seeking advice on how to make my diet healthier and tailored to help me achieve my specific fitness goals.  I do not consider this to be anything other than a change in the approach to my eating - choices of food, timing, and purpose.  It will be a plan full of choices of what to eat and when.  But of those choices there is no fad dieting, no product I must purchase, and no odd limitations.  And the most powerful thing I hope to achieve by seeking advice on my diet is the knowledge that can be learnt about what food does for you and the best choices for optimal health.  As I become more educated about my choices in food and changes in eating habits I plan to share them here.  I strongly encourage everyone to find a source like a nutritionist who focuses on whole-foods eating to help you address your own goals. 


As for my diet -  I wont even begin to deny that there will be treats and cheats!  Treat meals.  Downright regrettable choices too.  But every choice I may make that goes outside of my plan - I must own.  So don't be offended if I say "No Thanks" to your tray of baking or only take a small sample of a dish you made - I must own those choices too.  Sometimes a treat is worth it - other times it is not.  


So don't be critical of my choices - please don't sabotage my efforts - please don't judge me when I am weak...Please just be supportive.  Be inquisitive.  I want to share my knowledge, my successes and failures, and mostly just want to be able to talk about my efforts without being judged.  And I would appreciate some gentle accountability when I stray from my own advice (please don't snicker while you watch me reach for the 3rd oreo cookie!).  


Our daily lives are consumed with the procurement, preparation, and consumption of food.  I want to be obsessed and educated about what food choices I make - not only for myself but for my family - so that I can enhance our overall health.  Food quality seems to be the poorest it has been in history and I want to ensure that my diet will not be the death of me or my family.  As well, I want my kids to know no other way of eating...I do not want my kids to have to learn in their adulthood how to be healthier while standing in a grocery isle of food has the potential to make them ill.


So my diet is what it is for now.  And it will evolve as my plan progresses.  Knowledge and commitment are powerful tools...ones I plan to use to my advantage.  And as the definition above states - a diet is planned to meet a specific requirement...


My specific requirements:
-  whole, natural, organic foods as much as possible
-  realistic in content (no foreign imported novelty foods)
-  a variety of options for meals and snacks
-  can be modified for children and husband's likes/dislikes/needs
-  fulfilling and sustaining
-  evolves with performance needs (can fuel a run and fuel a strength workout) 
-  is routine / scheduled but flexible too


Diet is a way of eating on a daily basis...I look forward to exploring food one meal at a time!