Admissions from within this sugar haze

I'm sitting here in the midst of a sugar haze with not an ounce of compassion left for myself.  How did I get hooked again?  What triggered this insatiable sugar binge?  How could I have wasted all the progress I was making?

Now to start over.  Again.

It's a repeating habit of mine.  One I am fully aware exists but one that I have not figured out how to prevent.

I start a program, an experiment, a detox, etc with great intentions and with purpose, seeking answers and results I have't yet experienced.  I follow the rules and feel fantastic throughout the duration of the plan.  And with just one mini KitKat bar (in a moment of "I deserve this") I derail weeks of all that I was working towards and find myself spiralling down a bowl of halloween candy like an addict.

If it were to just end with one KitKat I would be happy!  Finally I would have proven that I can have just one and not plow myself into days of shitty, insatiable eating.  But that never, ever happens.

I have learnt four lessons from this:

Admission #1)  I am a "plan" addict

I function best when following a "program" or "challenge".   I have some go-to's that help me get back on track and have pretty much adopted a paleo template for eating on a regular basis which has worked quite well for me.  But when I am not following a specific plan I tend to be a little too liberal with portions, too forgiving with treats, and too slack with quality.  All the plans I have used in the past have influenced the way I have changed my overall diet and lifestyle and have pretty much become just a habitual way to eat....and for all that I am very grateful.

HOWEVER - This has all left me seeking the next new plan to try.  I need rules to follow, a time frame to do it in, and expected results to evaluate.  I realize now that I am a "plan" addict and I am in constant pursuit of some experience or result that I do not think I can achieve on my own with what I already practice....I find this fascinatingly pathetic.

HOWEVER - I DO need structure.  Because without it I fall back to old habits and conveniences - all of which go against all that I have come to believe about food, food quality, and what food can do for our health.  I would much rather follow some plan that I have researched and that promotes the same fundamental values around food that I already have then to fall back into a box of Hamburger Helper and Delissio Pizza.  Be it right or wrong, healthy or not, I know I feel better, perform better, and am more stable when I'm following a plan.

Admission #2)  I don't have any goals that demand more of me then status quo

I workout 4 days a week.  Well, usually anyway.  But I can miss a workout or take two weeks to complete a weeks worth of workouts and not feel that guilty about it.  I understand now that this is status quo.  I am healthy.  I still see a little improvement with my strength from time to time and I understand that life sometimes just requires me to sleep in or spend time with my family instead of going to the gym for 2 hours.  Believe me - I know this is a really really good thing!

So without some specific goal, that will demand more of me whether it be in time, energy, focus, or intentional effort - status quo is about all I am going to maintain.  And I know that is not a terrible thing at all!  I am so very grateful for what I have achieved and am proud of where I am.

But deep deep down it isn't enough.  I keep telling myself I will never be an elite - but a big part of me wants to try really fricken hard to be.  At what?  Ya....I am not sure on that yet.  So the only thing standing in the way of this is a) me choosing what I want to work hardest at and finally setting the goal and b) asking for the support I need to achieve it and committing my whole self to it.  ((this is the scary unknown part I haven't explored yet))

Admission #3)  I have known triggers that will sabotage me. Every. Single. Time.

Coffee and cream.  Let me be more clear...fresh ground, dark roast, organic, french pressed coffee with heavy, full fat whipping cream.  I wish I could have just one and savour it each day....but one always leads to another and before I know it I have gone days without water.

Sweets.  Even the healthy ones.  An Elevate Me bar is a great, healthy choice for a snack on-the-go.  But when it becomes a daily habit to eat one, I know they have overtaken my power to say no and starts the string of excuses.  This is also usually right around coffee time.  Lara Bars, Quest Bars, and all other dried fruit/nut combos have the same power to trigger a slow unravelling of my best laid plans.  Once I start allowing myself to eat these I will no doubt soon start adding in dark chocolate.  Again - all relatively great choices for the occasional treat.  BUT I know damn well it never ends with just that.  Ever.  Eventually I will find myself right where I am today...feeling physically ill and restarting again.

Im oddly fascinated by this amidst all my frustration with myself.  I could have worse problems I suppose.  How to overcome this is beyond me.  Accepting it has helped at least with the guilt and transition periods.  I do think that having a food plan that incorporates the science behind food macros and uses carbs/sugar as a direct means to enhance performance would help accept these foods as fuel instead of emotional crutches.  Until I find such a plan, tailored to my specific needs and that encourages KitKats for workout nutrition, I will struggle with this endlessly.

Admission #4 - I find "starting over" or "restarting" or "getting my shit together again" sort of fun...which is probably why I keep complaining that I always find myself in this stupid cycle of being on plan, slowly falling off plan, hitting bottom, and getting back on track again.  I need a new hobby!

So in front of me sits my list of what I expect of myself in the next 8 weeks (time line set!) with some tailoring to My Own Food Rules as well as my weekly schedule for my workouts (thank goodness for my trainer!) and stretching sessions.

And for the sake of committing myself to something - July 5th is the first Spartan 5km race of the season with the Super Spartan 13km on September 6th.  

R

My OWN Food Rules!

I absolutely hate being asked what diet I am on!!!  I mostly get annoyed by this question because I don't really have an easy answer.  

I'm not on any commercial diet.  I guess I would associate what I choose to eat as more Paleo based but I'm not 100% dedicated Paleo either.  But when I think of diet I instantly think deprivation.  I am NOT being deprived of anything.  I eat food and most days a lot of it.  I don't shy from stew for breakfast and steak before bed.  I eat to fuel my activity level and I eat real, unprocessed food.  I eat on a pretty predictable schedule and I rarely feel hungry (if I do its because I got distracted or busy or was not prepared with food on hand).  I sometimes have treats and sometimes I can't stop eating those treats (which I pay for physically and emotionally).  I drink alcohol when I want to and I still haven't given up Ketchup (and don't plan to).  I eat carbs (just not the breads and grains most people only associate carbs to be) and no I don't really eat a lot of fruit because I just don't care to. I don't shy away from healthy fats and absolutely hate chicken breasts now that I tried chicken thighs.  I took dairy out a long time ago and see no place for it in my life unless of course it is a decadent cheese cake or cream in my coffee. Overall, I function quite well on a low carb-high protein/fat intake and I have ample energy, low body fat, strong muscles, and a good digestive system.  So NO - I am not on any specific diet.

I used to try commercially marketed diets - whatever fad was out at the time.  I tried many of them for short periods of time, none for any real reason.  Mostly I just remember how unhealthy, unhappy, hungry, and miserable I was. I think in many ways I tried diets to deal with my body image insecurities at the time, but looking back on it now I really feel like I was just trying to figure out my beliefs about food and eating.  It has been a long road getting to where I am right now but the best thing I was ever challenged to do was write out my own food rules.  On occasion I may do a specific challenge, or a detox, or go completely sugar free, or be a little more restrictive to bring things back to normal after a longer bout of disregarding my own rules...but I am proud to say that I am no longer on any specific diet!

My Food Rules (written for myself by myself):

1.  Eat real food (organic when you can, minimally processed, know the ingredients)

2.  Eat 3 meals a day with the occasional snack as needed (workout days)

3.  Snacks are mini meals - not to be confused with treats!
4.  Eat meat, vegetables, and healthy fats with every meal / snack.
5.  Don't eat foods that you know make you feel unwell like gluten, dairy, refined sugars, and excessive sweets even if they were made with natural ingredients!  If you do - accept the consequences.  

6.  Limit nuts and fruit because you know you over eat them so practice portion control.

7.  Savor each cup of coffee - you know you love 1-2 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon but to drinking nothing but coffee all day is no longer allowed.  And stop ordering XL's - you never finish them!  Heavy cream is ok but enjoy good coffee black sometimes!

8.  Drink at least 1 liter of plain water each day - that's really only 2 large glasses!
9.  Drink more tea.  Especially green tea in replace of coffee and when you feel post-meal sweet cravings!
10.  Don't eat until you are stuffed!
11.  Take your vitamins!  Use only good quality, natural ones and supplement wisely.

12.  Allow yourself 3 treats per week - asking yourself if this "treat" is:
         -  Worth it?
         -  Is it just a treat or an excuse/coping mechanism?
         -  Do you really want it?
         -  Are you alone and hiding it or in a social setting?
         -  Will you regret this treat emotionally or physically?
13.  Experiment!  Enjoy new recipes, do your own baking, and try new foods!  Don't get bored!
14.  Eat foods that help heal and nourish your skin, fuel your activity level, and promote good overall health.
15.  Keep up with your food prep and baking!!

So no - you won't find my food rules in any book on a book shelf although there are several that are found within popular diet cultures right now.  From experience and education I have laid out my own rules influenced by a few factors:
-  My own opinion and morals based around food and nourishment
-  My trainer's guidance and encouragement
-  My goals and the demands of my physical activity
-  Popular resources primarily found within the Paleo community
-  My past relationship with food going all the way back to my childhood
-  What I have learnt about my own body and how it responds to certain foods

I love my food rules!   I don't really worry about breaking them because every single one of them is designed around my personal choices and preferences - designed for success.  If I do stray from my rules - it is almost always a conscious choice to do so or a result of a very very bad day.  It may also be that I'm at my mother-in-law's where there is no shortage of treats and baking to test the depths of my willpower.   And really - so what if I break them?! I'm only failing myself and from past experience I am not concerned about my ability to get back on track and carry on.  

And the last allowance I have set for myself is the ability to change my mind and re-define my rules as I evolve, as I set new goals, and as I gain new knowledge and experience.

Now to print them up and put them out where I can be reminded of them!

R

Put the mini eggs behind you and move on!

It was a bad weekend food wise (otherwise awesome family/event wise).  Yesterday I suffered the consequences.   Today is better but still not stellar.  Today will be Day 1 - faithful Day 1.  I've been on "Day 1" before...several times.  This won't be the last either.

For as clean as I eat - or claim to eat - I always have moments or days where I cannot get enough of anything sweet and otherwise forbidden. I am not so extreme that I will not enjoy a sweet indulgence or give myself the freedom to eat treats when the opportunity arises, but I have also become very comfortable at saying no as well.  This weekend was one of those weekends where I started out with great intentions...only to be derailed by ONE bite of something sweet.  It started on Friday with one bite of my favorite piece of baking that my mother-in-law makes.  It snowballed into handfulls of chocolate eggs and a basketful of regret.

I mostly indulged in solitude, sneaking another bite before someone sees.  I don't know why I worry about the solitude - it's not like anyone in my house would pull the baking from my hand or frown at me eating mini eggs. I would almost swear that the people I am around feel a sense of relief when they see me eating foods I otherwise protest against.   When I'm "caught" I feel weak and I know that even if I was confronted on it I would get extremely defensive.  Therefore, it is much easier to indulge in solitude.

I'd rather not go too far into the psychological part of it all.  It is what it is and it is also easier to avoid going real deep.  I value healthy food, I crave good foods, and I try to stick to my habits as much as possible.  Sometimes one bite leads to a full out binge...sugar is crack.  And good gracious it tastes good.  It is not my intention to binge, but I sometimes end up doing it anyway - knowing full well the consequences of it.  What I probably should be focusing on during one of these future binges is a) what state of mind am I in at the time and what triggered the weakness (is one bite really that powerful?) and b) how to quickly suppress the binge before it consumes the rest of the day or weekend - putting to use some strategies I need to define first.

So what are the consequences I suffer from eating like crap?

First I think you need to understand what a normal day is for me.  I generally eat pretty clean, following a more Paleo-like diet. I basically eat meat (and a lot of it), veggies with every meal, a healthy portion of avocado/olive oil/or coconut every day, and nuts on occasion.  I don't eat grains with the exception of brown rice and quinoa on occasion.  I don't eat dairy any more since after taking it out I find no need to put it back in - however I do have heavy cream in my coffee.  Yes I eat carbs! - mostly in the form of starchy vegetables and the occasional piece of fruit.  I eat to fuel my workouts and help my muscles grow (with success so far!).  When I need a treat or something sweet I will have dark chocolate, coconut baked goods, or some berries.  I drink coffee - and I love it but I probably drink too much of it.  So what I do eat is pretty standard for a lot of people - I don't see any red flags in the choices I have made to comprise my daily 'diet'.

So the problem lies in being outside of these habitual choices.  I don't buy the argument that because I restrict things it makes me susceptible to devouring chocolate like it is crack!  I have cravings just like anyone else, and I have learnt strategies to deal with it and substitutes for what would otherwise be unhealthy choices.   My biggest problem is avoiding the temptations....and that is hard to do when I am outside of my own controlled environment.  When an endless source of chocolate treats and baking is put out on display, free to graze upon as one wishes...my willpower can only hold out for so long. For all the good intentions I have going in - I only have so much energy to continue the fight.  The choices I make and the chocolate baked goods and mini eggs I shoved in my mouth are all on me.  No one made me.  The problem I have with myself is how weak I am to not just stop it at one taste.  I need to figure out the mental strategies to allow myself one indulgence and the strength to stop it at that.  Part of me needs to be reminded of the consequences to decide the worth of eating something (a decadent cheesecake is worth it - mini eggs are not).  But the other part of me needs to have a reason that goes deeper then feeling bad...and that is something I haven't figured out yet or am unwilling to acknowledge (probably worthy of a whole new blog post).

After two nights and a few more isolated occasions of shitty eating - think baked goods, mini eggs, yogurt covered raisins, jujubes and homemade dunkaroo dip (so freaking good!), too many cranberry cocktails, and mom's homemade buns - I was a physical mess.   I was swollen (and actually still am), bloated, and felt like I was a human pin cushion.  My "fat" areas hurt the most - basically my entire back and arms felt like there were millions of needles stuck in me.  I was dehydrated (mostly because of a night of drinking) and was exhausted from lack of good sleep.  My hip joints are still aching and my skin has broken out again.   My guts have been working double time to flush all this crap out (no pun intended) and my body was cringing at eating anything else.  None of these consequences are desirable.  And it will be days before it goes away.  Thing is....I knew this was gonna happen all along and knowing that still wasn't enough to stop me.

So another family holiday has come and gone.  In a week or so it will all be back to normal.  The challenge is doing better next time.  How?  That's not something I have a solid answer to and it comes back to finding the deeper reason.  Probably defining my strategies would help too.  I think a good place to start is to redefine my goals and look a little deeper within myself to acknowledge my real intentions. This is not an easy thing to do, I have struggled with it before, and perhaps this just confirms I need to spend some time on this again....

In the meantime, some simple things I need to do to put this past weekend behind me...

Goals - this week I need to re-evaluate my short term and long term goals.  I feel as though I have forgotten them, neglected working towards them, and feel a general sense of being lost right now.  I have a feeling that my lack of solid goals right now also contributed to my weakness on the weekend.

Refuel - grocery shopping and making food for the week always makes me feel better.  The leftover treats and such will have to be frozen or tossed.  I just need to get back to eating based on my own food rules.

Relationships - I need to revisit some of my favorite websites, reconnect with some of my favorite online fitness communities, and reestablish communication with my friends who have similar goals as me and book a visit with my trainer. These sources are truly what keeps me focused....but I feel as though I have lost touch lately so it is time to reconnect.

Gym - heals everything.

At the end of the day, whatever I am doing and all the hiccups I have had in isolation are still not terrible.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to be better - to eat healthy, to advocate for healthy choices, and to do better regardless of temptation.  I am just not always good at following my own advice.  I would just like to say after the next major family holiday weekend that I came out of the weekend feeling great and with no regrets.  It's up to me to make that happen.

So that all being said - I'm going to finish this glass of water and get ready to go to the gym.  It is there that this all gets put behind me and I come out feeling like myself again.