It has been quite some time since I wrote anything on this blog. I probably have a dozen excuses for it - none of which are very interesting - so let's just say life got busy.
A relatively boring update - not much is new. Really. Except that there are small things when I think about it and I figured it was about time I got back in touch here.
I'm 11 weeks into being back at the gym after my not so productive August (and lets be honest it was more like mid-July to mid-September). Looking back on it, I still feel a weird sense of guilt for slipping up for so long with no real good excuse. I tend to need an excuse to feel ok with something like that lazy stretch - but I am also not very good at making up good enough excuses that even I would believe. So I don't have any.
11 weeks have gone by since I got back into the gym and I have also been doing a small diet/lifestyle challenge with a few friends for the last 5-6 weeks. There are moments where I look back on the last several weeks and wonder why I ever let myself fall apart. Every day at the gym, ever hour spent meal planning, every cold meal I have eaten while driving, and every new article I have read since being back at it has reaffirmed that this lifestyle was what I was meant to live.
I used to sustain myself on low fat, no fat, low carb, no sugar, artificially sweetened, processed, zero calorie foods. Think Special K bars, Source Yogurt, and Turkey Bacon. And I ran...a lot. Yes I lost all my maternity weight and could run a 10k in under 50 minutes...but I hurt. I was tired and achy all the time. I was obsessed with calories and wouldn't let myself eat much more than 1000 per day. I would justify any indulgence and binge eat quite a bit. And as "thin" as I looked in clothes - I still had my pockets of swelling and lingering fat that just never went away. And I was absolutely not comfortable looking in the mirror.
And then a series of events happened...I got my gym membership and actually went with a strength training plan (without cardio!), joined Search and Rescue (a great passion of mine), started exploring paleo/clean eating, and then met my Trainer. For me - meeting him was a key turning point and since then a whole new approach to my health has been evolving. At first I was just focused on strength training and safety within those exercises. Then came the food changes that demanded I eat more, eat cleaner, and eat less processed foods. Then came mobility work and stretching (which is an ongoing struggle). Then came the emotional and mental self-reflection and goal setting. And all of this is just a start - the tip of the iceberg you might say!
This is the lifestyle I was meant to live. The beautiful thing about saying that out loud is that I actually believe it. I have no intention of this implying that what I practice today will be what I practice tomorrow - especially when it comes to fitness and eating (just ask my father how many times I have changed my approved foods list) - but what I do know is that there is no going back to my old habits.
Every single day presents itself with new challenges, new concepts to explore, and new goals to work towards....but not a single day goes by where I ache like I used to or binge-eat as I so often did. Not a single day goes by where I feel ashamed for the choices I made today (even the four 2-bite brownies I had at a birthday party!) and not a single day goes by that I feel lost. I have come a very long way from where I was and I really look forward to the very long road ahead.
Along the way there have been times where I felt alone, and sometimes I still do. Those feelings are less and less now, mostly because of the strength of my growing support network. Those who make up the center of my support network are people who have motivated my changes and who share similar interests or pursuits with me. And all around me are others who may not share the exact same interest or who may have different struggles then me, but who nonetheless care for me and offer other means of support, friendship, and commonalities. You all know who you are - and without you I would be in a much different place so I am forever grateful. I want nothing more then to share my successes, my new pursuits, and any frustrations with my closest family and friends...but with that comes the risk of overwhelming them or imposing my pursuits upon them. Good intentions I may have, but sometimes I just need to remind myself that my lifestyle is mine alone to create and live.
That being said - another thing that is sort of changing and that is my own strength to be alone with my pursuits if I have to be. I don't really mean alone in the sense that no one supports me - but alone in the sense that I feel strong enough to set my own goals and work towards them on my own. This was the lifestyle I was meant to live - and believing that makes it much easier to do as I need for my goals, because I want to, and for my better wellness. I feel more stable now then I have ever felt before. I am definitely more confident in the choices I make and better equipped when it comes to figuring out how to make them. I am aware of what food does for me, how it makes me feel, its importance to all of my goals, and the consequences of not eating healthy. I am also very happily dependent on exercise (to a healthy degree) - it has never failed to make me feel better or make my day a little brighter. This new found feeling of stability has also given me the ambition to now start planning and implementing changes within my family, more specifically for my daughters. This may be the biggest challenge yet, but we have a lifetime to experiment with it and that is something I really look forward to!
My wellness first. There is so much more to learn and experience and experiment with in this pursuit...but I feel such great excitement with the anticipation of all that is yet to come!!!
R
