I'm sitting here in the midst of a sugar haze with not an ounce of compassion left for myself. How did I get hooked again? What triggered this insatiable sugar binge? How could I have wasted all the progress I was making?
Now to start over. Again.
It's a repeating habit of mine. One I am fully aware exists but one that I have not figured out how to prevent.
I start a program, an experiment, a detox, etc with great intentions and with purpose, seeking answers and results I have't yet experienced. I follow the rules and feel fantastic throughout the duration of the plan. And with just one mini KitKat bar (in a moment of "I deserve this") I derail weeks of all that I was working towards and find myself spiralling down a bowl of halloween candy like an addict.
If it were to just end with one KitKat I would be happy! Finally I would have proven that I can have just one and not plow myself into days of shitty, insatiable eating. But that never, ever happens.
I have learnt four lessons from this:
Admission #1) I am a "plan" addict
I function best when following a "program" or "challenge". I have some go-to's that help me get back on track and have pretty much adopted a paleo template for eating on a regular basis which has worked quite well for me. But when I am not following a specific plan I tend to be a little too liberal with portions, too forgiving with treats, and too slack with quality. All the plans I have used in the past have influenced the way I have changed my overall diet and lifestyle and have pretty much become just a habitual way to eat....and for all that I am very grateful.
HOWEVER - This has all left me seeking the next new plan to try. I need rules to follow, a time frame to do it in, and expected results to evaluate. I realize now that I am a "plan" addict and I am in constant pursuit of some experience or result that I do not think I can achieve on my own with what I already practice....I find this fascinatingly pathetic.
HOWEVER - I DO need structure. Because without it I fall back to old habits and conveniences - all of which go against all that I have come to believe about food, food quality, and what food can do for our health. I would much rather follow some plan that I have researched and that promotes the same fundamental values around food that I already have then to fall back into a box of Hamburger Helper and Delissio Pizza. Be it right or wrong, healthy or not, I know I feel better, perform better, and am more stable when I'm following a plan.
Admission #2) I don't have any goals that demand more of me then status quo
I workout 4 days a week. Well, usually anyway. But I can miss a workout or take two weeks to complete a weeks worth of workouts and not feel that guilty about it. I understand now that this is status quo. I am healthy. I still see a little improvement with my strength from time to time and I understand that life sometimes just requires me to sleep in or spend time with my family instead of going to the gym for 2 hours. Believe me - I know this is a really really good thing!
So without some specific goal, that will demand more of me whether it be in time, energy, focus, or intentional effort - status quo is about all I am going to maintain. And I know that is not a terrible thing at all! I am so very grateful for what I have achieved and am proud of where I am.
But deep deep down it isn't enough. I keep telling myself I will never be an elite - but a big part of me wants to try really fricken hard to be. At what? Ya....I am not sure on that yet. So the only thing standing in the way of this is a) me choosing what I want to work hardest at and finally setting the goal and b) asking for the support I need to achieve it and committing my whole self to it. ((this is the scary unknown part I haven't explored yet))
Admission #3) I have known triggers that will sabotage me. Every. Single. Time.
Coffee and cream. Let me be more clear...fresh ground, dark roast, organic, french pressed coffee with heavy, full fat whipping cream. I wish I could have just one and savour it each day....but one always leads to another and before I know it I have gone days without water.
Sweets. Even the healthy ones. An Elevate Me bar is a great, healthy choice for a snack on-the-go. But when it becomes a daily habit to eat one, I know they have overtaken my power to say no and starts the string of excuses. This is also usually right around coffee time. Lara Bars, Quest Bars, and all other dried fruit/nut combos have the same power to trigger a slow unravelling of my best laid plans. Once I start allowing myself to eat these I will no doubt soon start adding in dark chocolate. Again - all relatively great choices for the occasional treat. BUT I know damn well it never ends with just that. Ever. Eventually I will find myself right where I am today...feeling physically ill and restarting again.
Im oddly fascinated by this amidst all my frustration with myself. I could have worse problems I suppose. How to overcome this is beyond me. Accepting it has helped at least with the guilt and transition periods. I do think that having a food plan that incorporates the science behind food macros and uses carbs/sugar as a direct means to enhance performance would help accept these foods as fuel instead of emotional crutches. Until I find such a plan, tailored to my specific needs and that encourages KitKats for workout nutrition, I will struggle with this endlessly.
Admission #4 - I find "starting over" or "restarting" or "getting my shit together again" sort of fun...which is probably why I keep complaining that I always find myself in this stupid cycle of being on plan, slowly falling off plan, hitting bottom, and getting back on track again. I need a new hobby!
So in front of me sits my list of what I expect of myself in the next 8 weeks (time line set!) with some tailoring to My Own Food Rules as well as my weekly schedule for my workouts (thank goodness for my trainer!) and stretching sessions.
And for the sake of committing myself to something - July 5th is the first Spartan 5km race of the season with the Super Spartan 13km on September 6th.
R
