I have had a VERY LONG time "off". Who are we kidding? I just plain old got lazy. Lazy at the gym. Lazy in the kitchen. And it showed! So when even my husband comments on how my boobs got bigger over this time period - it becomes a little bit of a sore spot that I left myself soften up so much. Because trust me - this was one of the positive things that happened over the past 6-8 weeks....everything else didn't change for the better!
I know that I am my own worst critic and I will admit I had some pretty dark feelings about myself some days. At the worst of it there were moments that one bite led to a full on binge on all the things that I had cut out for so long! I seriously followed the mantra "screw it" and pretty much gave up. I stopped blogging, I stopped researching, I stopped baking, stopped working out and basically stopped trying. I started eating sugary foods, drinking, over eating, indulging, and sneaking snacks out of the cupboards. I also stopped taking "progress" pictures because at that point I realized they would have been more like "regress" pictures and well there is no pride in that! But as the sugar fog cleared and I snapped out of it - there was also a lot to be learnt from this.
First of all - I have way more respect for the effort it takes to be healthier. It is something that can consume your life in many ways and honestly worth every ounce of energy - but it is also fragile. Effort comes easily when you have goals you are working towards and when you have surrounded yourself with things that fuel that. But effort can easily wane when you find yourself lost, unmotivated and tempted. Effort needs constant attention and nurturing...or else the things that get sacrificed at that point is everything you worked so hard for.
Secondly - I now understand sacrifice. I used to think I was sacrificing things like treats and
comfort foods for the goals I was working towards. Now I understand that when I eat those things or skip the gym that I am actually sacrificing my own aspirations. I get it now - there is a difference between abstinence and sacrifice. Making a choice to not eat something or to eat a certain way requires no sacrifice - just will power and a purpose. And when the moment comes where I may make the choice to savor a treat or indulge a bit - I am not sacrificing my health by doing so. That being said - I am however much more aware that when indulgences and laziness consume me and I become less diligent about my aspirations - I do start to see things being sacrificed. My aspirations are forgotten, my stretching stops, I don't make time for the gym, I binge on things I know are garbage, and I loathe myself. I am willing to abstain from things that don't help me achieve my goals - sacrifice is much bigger than that.
Lastly - I like myself better when I work out and eat better. I haven't felt so shitty, bloated, disgusted, frustrated, angry, and depressed as I did when I was "off". I know there will be times where life will just demand more energy in other areas - but to fall apart so quickly and into so many pieces is not something I want to do again. Let this lesson stay with me forever!
Shit happens. So - I'm over it. I am not consumed with guilt or disgust over my softer abs and bigger boobs (gosh I wish there was a way to keep what little there is of them!). I might be a little pissed at myself when I am back in the gym because my weights have gone down slightly, but that's great motivation too. I really have no one to blame but myself - so it's on me to get past it.
I have reconnected with my trainer, changed my attitude, and am again focused on my aspirations. And damn does it feel good!
