It was a bad weekend food wise (otherwise awesome family/event wise). Yesterday I suffered the consequences. Today is better but still not stellar. Today will be Day 1 - faithful Day 1. I've been on "Day 1" before...several times. This won't be the last either.
For as clean as I eat - or claim to eat - I always have moments or days where I cannot get enough of anything sweet and otherwise forbidden. I am not so extreme that I will not enjoy a sweet indulgence or give myself the freedom to eat treats when the opportunity arises, but I have also become very comfortable at saying no as well. This weekend was one of those weekends where I started out with great intentions...only to be derailed by ONE bite of something sweet. It started on Friday with one bite of my favorite piece of baking that my mother-in-law makes. It snowballed into handfulls of chocolate eggs and a basketful of regret.
I mostly indulged in solitude, sneaking another bite before someone sees. I don't know why I worry about the solitude - it's not like anyone in my house would pull the baking from my hand or frown at me eating mini eggs. I would almost swear that the people I am around feel a sense of relief when they see me eating foods I otherwise protest against. When I'm "caught" I feel weak and I know that even if I was confronted on it I would get extremely defensive. Therefore, it is much easier to indulge in solitude.
I'd rather not go too far into the psychological part of it all. It is what it is and it is also easier to avoid going real deep. I value healthy food, I crave good foods, and I try to stick to my habits as much as possible. Sometimes one bite leads to a full out binge...sugar is crack. And good gracious it tastes good. It is not my intention to binge, but I sometimes end up doing it anyway - knowing full well the consequences of it. What I probably should be focusing on during one of these future binges is a) what state of mind am I in at the time and what triggered the weakness (is one bite really that powerful?) and b) how to quickly suppress the binge before it consumes the rest of the day or weekend - putting to use some strategies I need to define first.
So what are the consequences I suffer from eating like crap?
First I think you need to understand what a normal day is for me. I generally eat pretty clean, following a more Paleo-like diet. I basically eat meat (and a lot of it), veggies with every meal, a healthy portion of avocado/olive oil/or coconut every day, and nuts on occasion. I don't eat grains with the exception of brown rice and quinoa on occasion. I don't eat dairy any more since after taking it out I find no need to put it back in - however I do have heavy cream in my coffee. Yes I eat carbs! - mostly in the form of starchy vegetables and the occasional piece of fruit. I eat to fuel my workouts and help my muscles grow (with success so far!). When I need a treat or something sweet I will have dark chocolate, coconut baked goods, or some berries. I drink coffee - and I love it but I probably drink too much of it. So what I do eat is pretty standard for a lot of people - I don't see any red flags in the choices I have made to comprise my daily 'diet'.
So the problem lies in being outside of these habitual choices. I don't buy the argument that because I restrict things it makes me susceptible to devouring chocolate like it is crack! I have cravings just like anyone else, and I have learnt strategies to deal with it and substitutes for what would otherwise be unhealthy choices. My biggest problem is avoiding the temptations....and that is hard to do when I am outside of my own controlled environment. When an endless source of chocolate treats and baking is put out on display, free to graze upon as one wishes...my willpower can only hold out for so long. For all the good intentions I have going in - I only have so much energy to continue the fight. The choices I make and the chocolate baked goods and mini eggs I shoved in my mouth are all on me. No one made me. The problem I have with myself is how weak I am to not just stop it at one taste. I need to figure out the mental strategies to allow myself one indulgence and the strength to stop it at that. Part of me needs to be reminded of the consequences to decide the worth of eating something (a decadent cheesecake is worth it - mini eggs are not). But the other part of me needs to have a reason that goes deeper then feeling bad...and that is something I haven't figured out yet or am unwilling to acknowledge (probably worthy of a whole new blog post).
After two nights and a few more isolated occasions of shitty eating - think baked goods, mini eggs, yogurt covered raisins, jujubes and homemade dunkaroo dip (so freaking good!), too many cranberry cocktails, and mom's homemade buns - I was a physical mess. I was swollen (and actually still am), bloated, and felt like I was a human pin cushion. My "fat" areas hurt the most - basically my entire back and arms felt like there were millions of needles stuck in me. I was dehydrated (mostly because of a night of drinking) and was exhausted from lack of good sleep. My hip joints are still aching and my skin has broken out again. My guts have been working double time to flush all this crap out (no pun intended) and my body was cringing at eating anything else. None of these consequences are desirable. And it will be days before it goes away. Thing is....I knew this was gonna happen all along and knowing that still wasn't enough to stop me.
So another family holiday has come and gone. In a week or so it will all be back to normal. The challenge is doing better next time. How? That's not something I have a solid answer to and it comes back to finding the deeper reason. Probably defining my strategies would help too. I think a good place to start is to redefine my goals and look a little deeper within myself to acknowledge my real intentions. This is not an easy thing to do, I have struggled with it before, and perhaps this just confirms I need to spend some time on this again....
In the meantime, some simple things I need to do to put this past weekend behind me...
Goals - this week I need to re-evaluate my short term and long term goals. I feel as though I have forgotten them, neglected working towards them, and feel a general sense of being lost right now. I have a feeling that my lack of solid goals right now also contributed to my weakness on the weekend.
Refuel - grocery shopping and making food for the week always makes me feel better. The leftover treats and such will have to be frozen or tossed. I just need to get back to eating based on my own food rules.
Relationships - I need to revisit some of my favorite websites, reconnect with some of my favorite online fitness communities, and reestablish communication with my friends who have similar goals as me and book a visit with my trainer. These sources are truly what keeps me focused....but I feel as though I have lost touch lately so it is time to reconnect.
Gym - heals everything.
At the end of the day, whatever I am doing and all the hiccups I have had in isolation are still not terrible. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be better - to eat healthy, to advocate for healthy choices, and to do better regardless of temptation. I am just not always good at following my own advice. I would just like to say after the next major family holiday weekend that I came out of the weekend feeling great and with no regrets. It's up to me to make that happen.
So that all being said - I'm going to finish this glass of water and get ready to go to the gym. It is there that this all gets put behind me and I come out feeling like myself again.
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